Standalone Novels In Publication Order
- Satan Burger (2001)
- Electric Jesus Corpse (2002)
- Punk Land (2005)
- The Cannibals of Candyland (2009)
- Warrior Wolf Women of the Wasteland (2009)
- The Kobold Wizard’s Dil*do of Enlightenment (2010)
- Zombies and Sh*it (2010)
- Barbarian Beast Bit*ches of the Badlands (2011)
- I Knocked Up Satan’s Daughter (2011)
- Armadillo Fists (2011)
- The Handsome Squirm (2012)
- Tumor Fruit (2012)
- Cuddly Holocaust (2013)
- Quicksand House (2013)
- Clusterf*ck (2013)
- Hungry Bug (2014)
- ClownFellas (2015)
- Bio Melt (2015)
- The Terrible Thing That Happens (2016)
- The Big Meat (2017)
- Neverday (2018)
- The Boy with the Chainsaw Heart (2018)
- Mouse Trap (2019)
- The Bad Box (2020)
- Full Metal Octopus (2021)
Short Stories/Novellas In Publication Order
- Razor Wire Pubic Hair (2003)
- The Baby Jesus Butt Plug (2004)
- Fishy-Fleshed (2004)
- The Menstruating Mall (2005)
- Sex and Death in Television Town (2005)
- Teeth and Tongue Landscape (2006)
- Sausagey Santa (2006)
- The Haunted Vagi*na (2006)
- Sea of the Patchwork Cats (2006)
- War Sl*ut (2006)
- Adolf in Wonderland (2007)
- The Egg Man (2008)
- Ultra F*ckers (2008)
- Cybernetrix (2008)
- Apesh*it (2008)
- The Faggiest Vampire (2009)
- Crab Town (2011)
- The Morbidly Obese Ninja (2011)
- Fantastic Orgy (2011)
- Ugly Heaven (2012)
- The Steel Breakfast Era (2012)
- Kill Ball (2012)
- Village of the Mermaids (2013)
- The Tick People (2014)
- Sweet Story (2014)
- As She Stabbed Me Gently in the Face (2015)
- Every Time We Meet at the Dairy Queen, Your Whole F*cking Face Explodes (2016)
- Exercise Bike (2017)
- Spider Bunny (2017)
- Parasite Milk (2017)
- Stacking Doll (2018)
- Snuggle Club (2020)
The Bizarro Starter Kit Books In Publication Order
- The Bizarro Starter Kit (2006)
Collections In Publication Order
- Sunset With A Beard (2000)
- Christmas on Crack (2010)
- Hammer Wives (2013)
Anthologies In Publication Order
- Angel Scene / Teeth and Tongue Landscape (2003)
Standalone Novels Book Covers
Short Stories/Novellas Book Covers
The Bizarro Starter Kit Book Covers
Collections Book Covers
Anthologies Book Covers
Carlton Mellick III Books Overview
‘All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring.’ Chuck Palahniuk Satan Burger is the international cult hit that has grown such an enormous following over the past 10 years that it not only launched the career of underground author Carlton Mellick III, but inspired an entire literary movement. Absurd philosophies, dark surrealism, and the end of the human race…
God hates you. All of you. He closed the gates of Heaven and wants you to rot on Earth forever. Not only that, he is repossessing your souls and feeding them to a large vagi*na shaped machine called the Walm an interdimensional doorway that brings His New Children into the world. He loves these new children, but He doesn’t love you. They are more interesting than you. They are beautiful, psychotic, magical, sex crazed, and deadly. They are turning your cities into apocalyptic chaos, and there’s nothing you can do about it…
Featuring: a narrator who sees his body from a third person perspective, a man whose flesh is dead but his body parts are alive and running amok, an overweight messiah, the personal life of the Grim Reaper, lots of classy sex and violence, and a motley group of squatter punks that team up with the devil to find their place in a world that doesn’t want them anymore.
The twisted and surreal version of the story of Jesus Christ set in a bizarre version of modern day Earth that has been ravaged by war and cannibal zombie plagues, where the landscape is slowly mutating into meat and human flesh is transforming into machine. The novel follows Christ’s twelve apostles. However, in this world the apostles are pimps, necrophiliacs, skinheads, and other assorted freaks. And they have no desire to follow Jesus Christ on his crusade to save humanity whatsoever. So this novel follows the lives of these never been apostles on their separate epic journeys into the bizarre. An awkward and chaotic work of art that is like nothing you’ve ever seen.
Returning to his avant punk style introduced in the international cult hit, SATAN BURGER, Carlton Mellick III takes us on a journey into an absurd afterlife called Punk Land: the punk version of Heaven. The story follows Goblin, a deformed young hermit who is perfectly happy haunting an abandoned gatehouse far outside of civilization with his pet dil*do, Frog Strips, until two strangers named Nan and Mortician arrive at his doorstep with a crazy story that turns his quiet post life existence upside down. Goblin soon finds himself mixed up in a war between corporate punks and traditional punks that he really couldn’t care less about. But without the help of Goblin, Mortician’s sperm, and a blue mohawked female assassin named Shark Girl, the utopian anarchy in Punk Land will surely be lost.
Featuring cameos by famous punk icons and cartoonish illustrations in the tradition of Kurt Vonnegut’s ‘Breakfast of Champions.’ This Bizarro novel is Carlton Mellick III’s most fun and hilarious book to date.
There exists a race of cannibals who are made out of candy. They live in an underground world filled with lollipop forests and gumdrop goblins. During the day, while you are away at work, they come above ground and prowl our streets for food. Their prey: your children. They lure young boys and girls to them with their sweet scent and bright colorful candy coating, then rip them apart with razor sharp teeth and claws. When he was a child, Franklin Pierce witnessed the death of his siblings at the hands of a candy woman with pink cotton candy hair. Since that day, the candy people have become his obsession. He has spent his entire life trying to prove that they exist. And after discovering the entrance to the underground world of the candy people, Franklin finds himself venturing into their sugary domain. His mission: capture one of them and bring it back, dead or alive. Cannibals of Candyland is an erotic horror story for the bizarro reader. Dark, disturbing, and absurd; this isn’t the board game version of candy land you used to play as a kid.
Road Warrior Werewolves versus McDonaldland Mutants…
post apocalyptic fiction has never been quite like this. They call themselves the Warriors, their enemies call them the Bit*ches. They are a gang of man eating, motorcycle riding, war hungry werewolf women, and they are the rulers of the wasteland. A century after the fall of civilization, only one city remains standing. It is a self contained utopian society protected by a three hundred foot high steel wall. The citizens of this city live safe, peaceful lives, completely ignorant to the savagery that takes place beyond the walls. They are content and happy, blindly following the rules of the fascist fast food corporation that acts as their government. But when Daniel Togg, a four armed bootlegger from the dark side of town, is cast out of the walled city, he soon learns why the state of the outside world has been kept secret. The wasteland is a chaotic battleground filled with giant wolves, mutant men, and an army of furry biker women who are slowly transforming into animals. Trapped on the wrong side of a war zone, Daniel Togg makes new friends and new enemies, while uncovering the mysteries of the people living in the wasteland and how they came to be there. Including 45 illustrations by the author, Warrior Wolf Women of the Wasteland is an epic bizarro tale of dehumanization, gender separation, consumption, and violent sexual awakenings. A fast paced post apocalyptic adventure in the vein of The Road Warrior, featuring a very unique werewolf mythology. ‘Carlton Mellick III gets better with every book. Warrior Wolf Women of the Wasteland is his best one yet.’
ARE YOU READY TO PLAY SOME DUNGEONS AND Fu*ckING DRAGONS? The Kobold Wizard’s Dil*do of Enlightenment 2 is an absurd comedy about a group of adventurers elf, halfling, bard, dwarf, assassin, thief going through an existential crisis after having discovered that they are really just pre rolled characters living inside of a classic AD&D role playing game. While exploring the ruins of Tardis Keep, these 6 characters must deal with their inept Dungeon Master’s re*tarded imagination and resist their horn*y teenaged players’ commands to have sex with everything in sight. Featuring: punk rock elf chicks, death metal orcs, po*rn addicted beholders, a goblin/halfling love affair, a gnoll orgy, and a magical dil*do that holds the secrets of the universe. ‘Carlton Mellick III has the craziest book titles…
and the kinkiest fans!’ CHRISTOPHER MOORE ‘If you like satires which are highly imaginative, subversive, gory, funny as hell and completely surreal CM3 may be your literary messiah.’ RICARDO GONZALEZ DEL VALLE ‘Mellick is smarter than the dumbness he tries to coat his writing in; you feel like you’re reading a comic or watching MTV but underneath there is something deeper and smarter than the cartoonish presentation before your eyes.’ EUCHIRD’Easily the craziest, weirdest, strangest, funniest, most obscene writer in America.’ GOTHIC MAGAZINE’Carlton Mellick III is one of bizarro fiction’s most talented practitioners, a virtuoso of the surreal, science fictional tale.’ CORY DOCTOROW, author of Little Brother
Battle Royale meets Return of the Living Dead in this post apocalyptic action adventure Twenty people wake to find themselves in a boarded up building in the middle of the zombie wasteland. They soon realize they have been chosen as contestants on a popular reality show called Zombie Survival. Each contestant is given a backpack of supplies and a unique weapon. Their goal: be the first to make it through the zombie plagued city to the pick up zone alive. But because there’s only one seat available on the helicopter, the contestants not only have to fight off the hordes of the living dead, they must also fight each other. Zombies and Sh*it is Mellick’s craziest book to date. A campy, trashy, punk rock gore fest that is as funny as it is brutal, as sad as it is strange. An edge of your seat thrill ride that twists the zombie genre into something you’ve never seen before.
The classic psycho sexual fairy tale about a multi gender human dil*do who is purchased by a razor dominatrix and brought into her nightmarish world of bizarre sex and mutilation.
Step into a dark and absurd where human beings are slaves to corporations, people are photocopied instead of born, and the baby jesus is a very popular anal probe.
Her warmth, a zombie shark’s tear, the smell of time travel, an Irish drinking song, ugliness world, an underdweller’s smile, the dirty ones, Jesus Christ’s brain, the difference between Whyrie and her copy, an exploding head, and God whispering…
Fishy fleshed is an illustrated collection of thought logs from a child like man living in the cartoonish future world of Ocean City, so technologically advanced that everyone possesses the ability to walk on water, cure diseases, clone food, and raise the dead…
an entire civilization of Messiahs. When a team of researchers travel back in time to the days of the Real Messiah, they discover the past is a lot different than they imagined. It is an illogical flatland lacking in dimension and color, a sick scape of crispy squid people wandering the desert for no apparent reason. Part science fiction parody, part nightmarish absurdism, Fishy fleshed is likely to leave a green gray taste in your mouth.
This volume includes both the English translation and the original Ywellish language text.
Ten ridiculously stereotypical consumer victims a yuppie, a housewife, a retiree, a jock, a bible thumper, a cowboy, a preppy, a gamer, a goth, and a white suburban gangsta find themselves unable to leave the mall one day. There is nothing stopping them. The doors are unlocked. Other shoppers are able to come and go as they please. But for some inexplicable reason, these ten people cannot pry themselves away from their shopping miasma. The mall closes, and they won’t leave. Days pass, and they’re still there, eating meals in the food court and sleeping in department store bedroom displays. Then they begin to die off, one by one, murdered by a mysterious killer, and they still won’t allow themselves to escape.
Carlton Mellick III’s ‘The Menstruating Mall‘ is both a modernized take on Luis Bunuel’s ‘The Exterminating Angel,’ and a parody of Agatha Christie’s ‘And Then There Were None.’ Featuring mock mall advertiseme*nts by re*tard punk hero Food Fortunata and cover art by Skin242.
It’s the wild West, Mellick style.
A band of hermaphrodite gunslingers fight for their lives in a desert infested with crispy black demons. Along with a motley collection of survivors including a sex crazed female samurai modified to resemble a bipedal stegosaurus they take refuge in the only safe haven left: Telos…
a strange town near the end of the world, where the citizens have televisions instead of heads.
In a world made out of meat, a socially obsessive monophobic man finds himself to be the last human being on the face of the planet. Desperate for social interaction, he explores the landscape of flesh and blood, teeth and tongue, trying to befriend any strange creature or community that he comes across.
Santa isn’t the jolly old elf he’s been described as in Children’s stories. He’s a bit more grotesque than that. His eyes are pimento stuffed olives, his teeth are walnuts, and his body is made of sausages.
One snowy Christmas Eve, while visiting the Fry family, Sausagey Santa is attacked by an evil force that is driven to destroy Christmas forever. It is an anti Christmas spirit that loathes everything having to do with children and Jesus. After it steals his magic bag of presents, Santa calls upon Matthew Fry and his wife, Decapitron a brutish warrior woman with a strange Christmas fetish and a candy cane sword, to help get it back and save Christmas for everyone.
It’s the greatest sausage spewing, elf raping, zombie killing, Transformer fu*cking, reindeer exploding, snowman battling, adventure rocking, bizarro Christmas story OF ALL TIME!!!
It’s difficult to love a woman whose vagi*na is a gateway to the world of the dead…
Steve is madly in love with his eccentric girlfriend, Stacy. Unfortunately, their sex life has been suffering as of late, because Steve is worried about the odd noises that have been coming from Stacy’s pubic region. She says that her vagi*na is haunted. She doesn’t think it’s that big of a deal. Steve, on the other hand, completely disagrees. When a living corpse climbs out of her during an awkward night of sex, Stacy learns that her vagi*na is actually a doorway to another world. She persuades Steve to climb inside of her to explore this strange new place. But once inside, Steve finds it difficult to return…
especially once he meets an oddly attractive woman named Fig, who lives within the lonely haunted world between Stacy’s legs. ‘A very strange and surprisingly touching love story, despite the deliberately asinine premise. With subtle humor, surreal erotica, and some genuinely creepy moments, The Haunted Vagi*na is a completely unique reading experience.’ ‘Easily the craziest, weirdest, strangest, funniest, most obscene writer in America.’ GOTHIC MAGAZINE’Bizarre, twisted, and emotionally raw Carlton Mellick’s fiction is the literary equivalent of putting your brain in a blender.’ BRIAN KEENE, author of The Rising and Dead Sea’Carlton Mellick III has the craziest book titles…
and the kinkiest fans!’ CHRISTOPHER MOORE, author of The Stupidest Angel’Carlton Mellick III is one of bizarro fiction’s most talented practitioners, a virtuoso of the surreal, science fictional tale.’ CORY DOCTOROW, author of Little Brother ‘Carlton Melick III exemplifies the intelligence and wit that lurks between its lurid covers. In a genre where crude titles are an art in themselves, Mellick is a true artist.’ THE GUARDIAN’Just as Pop had Andy Warhol and Dada Tristan Tzara, the Bizarro movement has its very own P. T. Barnum type practitioner. He’s the mutton chopped author of such books as Electric Jesus Corpse and The Menstruating Mall, the illustrator, editor, and instructor of all things Bizarro, and his name is Carlton Mellick III.’ DETAILS MAGAZINE
It is a story that has been passed down generation after generation. The story of conjoined twin goddesses floating peacefully in the middle of the sea. Many of those that have seen them, usually on calm starlit nights, swear that they are the sirens of mythology, luring sailors in to their doom. Others claim that the twins are not live women, but an ancient stone structure carved to resemble two females sitting back to back. A fewbelieve they mark the gateway tothe lost city of Atlantis, or a gateway to the spirit realm. But on all accounts there is one consistency: if you listen closely, at just the right distance, you will hear them echoing on the ghostly wind…
dozens and dozens of meowing cats.
Sea of the Patchwork Cats is a sad dreamlike tale set in the quiet ashes of the human race. A must read for Mellick enthusiasts who also adore The Twilight Zone.
In a future where everyone in the world has been drafted into the military, there is only one enemy left to fight…
Five exhausted soldiers are sitting in the middle of a frozen Arctic wasteland, waiting for something to happen. They don’t know why they are there or what they are supposed to be doing. Their superior officers have stopped giving them orders, their food supply is running low, and they are unsure whether or not their enemy actually exists at all. Once they lose their War Sl*ut a transmorphing sex cyborg, the soldiers leave the safety of their camp in order to get it back. Only what they find out in the dark icy landscape is something far beyond what they ever could have imagined.
Part 1984, part Waiting for Godot, and part action horror video game adaptation of John Carpenter’s The Thing, War Sl*ut is a fast paced dystopian tale of the dark and the absurd.
In an alternate version of the future where Hitler had conquered the entire world during WW2 and developed society into his vision of utopia, an SS officer is on a mission to find and exterminate the last imperfect human on Earth. Following his trail leads the young Na*zi to a small town hidden in the middle of the desert; a place that has been cut off from society for so long that it has developed its own strange and disturbing culture. Thus begins Mellick’s dreamlike adventure that takes a young descendent of Adolf Hitler’s design and sends him down the rabbit hole into a world of imperfection and disorder, where even the laws of reality itself don’t seem to apply. A tribute to both Franz Kafka and Lewis Carroll, ‘Adolf in Wonderland‘ is a perfect read for fans of the bizarro genre.
It is a survival of the fittest world where humans reproduce like insects, children are the property of corporations, and having a ten foot tall brain is a grotesque sexual fetish.
Lincoln has just been released into the world by the Georges Organization, a corporation that raises creative types. A Smell, he has little prospect of succeeding as a visual artist. But after he moves into the Henry Building, he meets Luci, the weird and grimy girl who lives across the hall. She is a Sight. She is also the most disgusting woman Lincoln has ever met. Little does he know, she will soon become his muse.
Now Luci’s boyfriend is threatening to kill Lincoln, two rival corporations are preparing for war, and Luci is dragging him along to discover the truth about the mysterious egg man who lives next door. Only the strongest will survive in this tale of individuality, love, and mutilation.
The Egg Man is like an Orwellian version of Eraserhead and The Tenant filtered through Richard Linklater’s rotoscope animation. You will not find a weirder or grittier dystopian novel anywhere.
Tony dreads the idea of going to his wife’s company dinner party in Eagle Hills; the new upper middleclass gated community that just popped up outside of Scottsdale, AZ. He hates these Southwestern style planned suburban neighborhoods. All of the streets look the same. All of the houses look the same. All of the people look the same. Because everything in Eagle Hills looks exactly the same, Tony has trouble finding the dinner party. He quickly becomes lost in the sea of red tile roofs. The streets seem to go on forever. The addresses don’t seem to make any sense. After hours of navigating the suburban labyrinth, Tony discovers that there is something terribly wrong with the Eagle Hills gated community. There is something unnatural about the houses around him. There is something inhuman about the people staring at him through the windows. And no matter how far he drives, he can’t seem to find his way out. Ultra Fu*ckers is a work of absurd suburban horror in the tradition of Mellick’s previous short novel, The Menstruating Mall.
Technology has advanced to the level where electronic alternative worlds can actually be created and entered by humans. The first such world created was originally supposed to be based on the electronic world from the movie Tron, but due to legal complications with the Disney Corporation the developers decided to base it instead on a B grade ripoff film called Cybernetrix. Although the movie was a failure, the electronic world of Cybernetrix has become so popular that it has changed our culture forever. There is only one problem: the Cybernetrix world and the real world seem to be slowly bleeding together into one reality. Carlton Mellick III’s Cybernetrix is a bizarro satire set in a future world where ’80s fads never went out of style, where society has completely lost interest in art and creativity, where reality is so damned boring that fantasy is the only thing left worth living for.
‘Give me B movies or give me death!’ CLIVE BARKER Friday the 13th meets Visitor Q. Apesh*it is Mellick’s love letter to the great and terrible B horror movie genre. Six trendy teenagers three cheerleaders and three football players go to an isolated cabin in the mountains for a weekend of drinking, partying, and crazy sex, only to find themselves in the middle of a life and death struggle against a horribly mutated psychotic freak that just won’t stay dead. Mellick parodies this horror clich and twists it into something deeper and stranger. It is the literary equivalent of a grindhouse film. It is a splatterpunk’s wet dream. It is perhaps one of the most fu*cked up books ever written. If you are a fan of Takashi Miike, Evil Dead, or Eurotrash horror then you must read this book.
An illustrated children’s tale reminiscent of the works of Edward Gorey and Roald Dahl, for both children and adults. Deep in The Land of Broodsarrow, just outside the village of Gneirwil, and high on a cliff overlooking the Everbleed Sea, there stands the faggiest gothic castle that any mortal being has ever seen. Living in this ancient faggy castle is none other than the well renowned vampire, Dargoth Van Gloomfang. The citizenry of Broodsarrow sure has its share of faggy vampires, but old Dargoth has always been by far the faggiest of them all. That is, until a new vampire came to town. A younger, hippper vampire. One that emits such a grand amount of fagginess that one cannot help but be completely overwhelmed by his presence. Now Dargoth Van Gloomfang must figure out a way to out shine this young newcomer if he wishes to ever reclaim his throne as…
The Faggiest Vampire.
The Steel Breakfast Era by Carlton Mellick III w/ tattoos by Pooch
A nightmarishly absurd story that is like Re Animator meets Naked Lunch during the zombie apocalypse.
The living dead conquered the Earth almost a century ago, leaving only small isolated communities of survivors spread across the shattered earwig landscape. One such community has been locked away in a New York City high rise. Breeding like cockroaches for many generations, their civilization has almost completely deteriorated into a mess of insane ones and those infested with parasites that mutate flesh into steel string sculptures. There is nothing to live for, no chance for hope. Except for one man, not yet effected by the parasites, who finds hope after he creates a wife out of the human body parts that litter the hallways and gets rescued by a group of zombie shredding warriors from Japan where the citizens have evolved into anime like mechazoid characters. This tattoo illustrated avant garde novel is cult author Carlton Mellick III at his darkest and most horrific.
THE DECADENT RETURN OF THE HI FI QUEEN AND HER EMBRYONIC REPTILE INFECTION by Simon Logan
The Hi Fi Queen is resurrected after almost being killed in an ambush by another gang and rises once more to claim back the territory that was once hers. Set in a world of constant gang warfare and corporate subterfuge, she must first re brand herself then assemble a new crew to help her in her fight. Pirate radio broadcasters, graffiti artists, black marketing men and skaters alike are all caught up in her quest for revenge, for not only must the gang be strong…
but it must have a proper marketing campaign to match.
In HI FI QUEEN, Logan takes us deeper into his world of industrial style fiction, expanding upon the grounding set forth in his highly successful underground hit I O and bringing it to another level with threads of dark, bleak humour.
There’s a new genre rising from the underground. Its name: BIZARRO. For years, readers have been asking for a category of fiction dedicated to the weird, crazy, cult side of storytelling that has become a staple in the film industry with directors such as David Lynch, Takashi Miike, Tim Burton, and even Lloyd Kaufman but has been largely ignored in the literary world, until now. The Bizarro Starter Kit features short novels and story collections by ten of the leading authors in the bizarro genre: D. Harlan Wilson, Carlton Mellick III, Jeremy Robert Johnson, Kevin L Donihe, Gina Ranalli, Andre Duza, VIncent W. Sakowski, Steve Beard, John Edward Lawson, and Bruce Taylor.
A collection of fourteen stories that attempt to blend two opposing genres: surreal fiction and science fiction. The resulting journey through dark and desperate futures of aliens, diseases, and humanity’s own madness is brain-bending and utterly bizarre.
Perverted Christmas Tales for the whole family! As long as every member of your family is over the age of 18It’s a dark and seedy side of Christmas that you didn’t know about. A Christmas underworld where Santa gets dominated by peppermint women and Frosty is a transvestite stripper. There’s elf sl*uts, toy orgies, and giant flesh eating Christmas crabs that shoot lasers. That’s right. Lasers. It’s the holiday season, bit*ches, so strap on your sugar plum ball gag, bend yourself over the Yule log, and get ready for Kris Kringle to shove some Christmas cheer up your ass! Featuring stories by Jordan Krall, Jeff Burk, Kevin L. Donihe, Cameron Pierce, Kirsten Alene, Kevin Shamel, Edmund Colell, and Andrew Goldfarb.
ANGEL SCENE: written and illustrated by Richard Kadrey Richard Kadrey, one of the few masters of cyberpunk, brings us into the world of the angels biologically engineered killing machines, created by the Men in Suits to be the ultimate assassins. Designed to get sexual pleasure from their murders, the life of the angels is one intensely erotic and violent escapade after another. TEETH AND TONGUE LANDSCAPE: written by Carlton Mellick III, illustrated by Brian Doogan In a world made out of meat, a socially obsessive monophobic man finds himself to be the last human being on the face of the planet. Desperate for social interaction, he explores the landscape of flesh and blood, teeth and tongue, trying to befriend any strange creature or community that he comes across.